In truth, I’ve done a lot of thinking about this and it seems to me that teenagers really survive us. I think parents are the problem, not the kids. We (the “grown-ups”) have never really confronted the fact that those years – the years of being a teenager – are perhaps the best years of our life. And our envy is what causes a lot of the heartache and misunderstanding between us and our teens.
First, being a teenager is fucking hard. If the internet (and concomitant free porn) had existed while I was going through puberty, I can only imagine I would have permanent blisters and a D+ average on my “permanent record card.” And forget about what my idiot friends and I would have done with smartphones and cameras. I am absolutely certain that each sports team I played for would have its own website simply for the hazing rituals we engaged in. So, with that mea culpa out of the way, I’m willing to cut my kids some slack.
Next, about the time you start becoming a teen, your faculty to reason is developing as rapidly as your body; it’s generally a toss-up at about 16 as to which is in the lead. Here’s the great thing: you have the ability to assimilate information, form opinions, argue and advocate for a position, drive, and get reasonably easy access to drugs and – (depending upon gender and social status) – sex. i.e. You’ve got a lot of the perks of an adult, with – Best of All – almost NONE of the responsibility!!!
Think about it for a moment. License? Check. Part-time job? Check. Enough cash for ________ (booze, weed, gas for car, shopping, movies, activities, etc.)? Check. Enough independence to live life? (Generally) Check.
Now, look on the other side of the ledger. Responsible for rent/mortgage/etc. Nope. Responsible for utilities? Nope. Insurance on car? Maybe. Cell phone? Unh-uh (generally). In short, the last couple of years of high school are the beginnings of intellectual independence without the hassles/stressors of actual physical independence.
And I think this is what parents resent either consciously or subconsciously.
The most repeated refrain I hear from parents is complaints about their teen’s “lack of responsibility.” And I always laugh and think, “Responsibility for what? What is it you want them to be doing at this point?” They should leap out of bed on Saturday morning for…. what, exactly??
Parents always kvetch about teenagers and it almost always sounds like a lament about how “easy” these kids have it. Let’s just face it: we resent the freedom they have, without any of the concomitant responsibilities and complications that come with being a full-grown, rent-paying, bill-paying adult. And college is nothing more than an extended adolescence.
Here’s my solution, parents. Look in the mirror. What would you do if you had the freedom and free-time that your teen has? Would you really be so responsible? Were you at that age? Or were you just as self-absorbed, immature, and likely to avoid responsibility as seek it out? I suspect the latter.
I’ve seen young men just out of high school fight and die in places they couldn’t even pronounce. And I’ve seen young men and women perform brilliantly under savage and difficult conditions. I’ve also seen dopey behavior by college kids. This generation isn’t qualitatively different than ours was and if they are the fault with that lies squarely in the mirror. They didn’t suddenly get some recessive or mutant gene that made them this way.
All in all, we could do well to look at ourselves and ask why we’re really upset that their bed isn’t made, or the dishes aren’t done, or they’re late for curfew. Is it because they’re really bad? is it because the issue is so crucial to their existence? Or is it that we’re pissed off because they get to have the kind of life we miss and wish we had – one devoid of the kinds of complications and difficulties that plague us. A carefree life filled with superlatives – because for them, with so few years on the merry-go-round, this really IS the best sandwich they’ve had; this girl IS the love of their life; this movie IS the best one they’ve seen. Cut ’em some slack and save yourself some headaches. They’re not that bad.